From Lemons to Lemonade

Originally started in October of 2019. Unsure why I never finished.

I joked last week while ranting to a friend about a rough day that I should Blog about it.  I never did but after looking back it wasn't even a rough day.  I'm going to call it a lemon day.

What is a lemon day? A day that starts sour but ultimately ends sweet.

Truthfully my whole week last week was full of lemons but it happens.  Thursday though I was about lemoned out.

I took my car into the dealership for a oil change and a over heating issue, the morning prior to taking it in wasn't ideal though.  I was told to go sit in the wait area, which I was prepared for.  

Enter the first lemon. I had every intention to just put in my earbuds and watch Netflix.

However not once but twice seeing me watching one of the salesmen comes in.  They just wouldn't leave me alone with his over personal questions. The second time he even over quizzed another lady. I'm sorry but I'm not telling a total stranger my last name, where I'm from, where I work.   Why I'm at the dealership or why I won't trade.

Anyways he did finally leave and eventually I got a car diagnoses but was also told it would be the next day.  And that they were giving me a loner.  Lemon 2 and 3. Number 2 was that they didn't have the parts.  Number 3... well the picture about sums it up.

Okay maybe that's a exaggeration but it was a small car and yes I felt folded into it.  Why they wanna take someone who drives a SUV and put them into a sportscar is beyond me.  

I hit my forehead least three times. Either getting in or out, I couldn't get my seat low enough to not bump my head on the top. And I was paranoid that I'd be plowed over. 

The next day I did get my car back and quickly realized that I had a unexpected fix to it and the first sweet thing let's call it lemonade. 

My car hadn't honked or beeped in years I just had accepted it.  But somehow that got repaired, along with everything else.

The point to all of this??

That old saying is true when life gives you lemons make lemonade.  Life is hard, it's sour, it's bitter but there is almost always a soft side, a sweet side, a savory side.  We just have to be willing to see it sometimes.  

I for one love lemonade, and lemon drops or lemon heads,  lemon and honey is one of my favorite combinations.  The sour with the sweet. It really teaches alot. 

We all can handle anything thrown at us if we believe in ourselves, and have faith. 

Hard Days

(Originally written May 13 the date changed when I updated a picture)

We all have days that are for whatever reasons "just hard".  Yesterday was that for me. I should also say yesterday was Mother's Day.  I already knew it would be a hard day but only when it was over did I really realize just how hard.

It started out semi normal I woke up, and made my Mother her Mother's Day gift . Nearly two dozen chocolate covered strawberries two didnt even fit in the container.  

 I went to church with her, sat beside her, it actually started as a good day.  My mother and I have always had a unique bond.  She isn't my biological mother but she is still my mother and always will be.  We may fight , we may not see eye to eye but she is my mom.   I may of mentioned it somewhere but if not my parents are my adopted parents.

Anyways it started out good.
Than the slow spiral.

During the children's church all mothers were recognized.  We only had three there who were not mothers.  One a senior in high school,  one who is older and just did not for whatever reason have children, and myself.    I wasn't jealous of the other mothers, I was more envious of them.  Now that I'm in my thirties and nearing mid thirties I'm starting to feel I will never get the motherhood chance.
It was still a okay day at this point so I put on a smile and dealt with it.

Church ended I went home finished preparing the strawberries and then drove over to my parents where we proceeded to cook lunch together all three of us cooked part which is our tradition when catfish is involved.  Mom loved the strawberries and couldn't believe how good they looked.  It was still an okay day.

I went home after.  Feeling bad physically, due to women issues.  I laid down for a nap.  Four hours or so later I woke up slightly out of it thinking I had slept through the  day and then realized I hadn't.

I got up fed my kitty cat, did a few things, and then just went back to bed. After another tiny nap putting me at around 930 give or take I was back up.  The Motrin had worn off, I was in a ball hugging myself, not even hungry but knew I needed to eat, but all I wanted to do was cry.  It was then that I realized, my good day had turned to hard.   On all days for me to be reminded that I was Childless yet still "physically" should be able to have them.   As I laid there, It dawned on me I was not wanting to be a mother.  As the children's teacher at church I have church kids.  As the best friend of several parents I have many little ones to love on. What it was was a longing to have my own little one to love on, and a fear that it may never be a option for me.

For years I have wondered if maybe I was just not going to find love and get the chance, and that all hit hard.  Like a wave crashing into the shores of my mind and heart.  Which lead to the tears.  I am usually not a crier but yesterday I was.  It seemed like everything I had held back just came flowing out.

I realized I had slept most of the day because then I did not have to fight it. I did not have to wear my I am fine mask, or I am happy, or I am okay.  I was depressed and sleeping was my body's way of fighting that.   It probably was not the best method but least when I slept I did not cry.

We all have the hard days rather we admit it or not. I cant sit here and say I am okay cause I still think I will never get my chance at my own little one but I can sit here and say I will be okay. The hard times will pass and life goes on.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow when I am less hormonal non of this will seem so bad.  I am reminded of a song I loved as a child.

It sounds corny but last night I went over this song what seems like countless times though I know it was not that many.  And yes eventually I stopped feeling so bad.  I got up, I fixed myself a very late supper of fish salad, toasted bread bites, and fries.  And went to bed thinking "tomorrow is a new day".  It is tomorrow and I am better I still wanna cry but I know that is just the hormones.  I also know everything happens for a reason.  We may not understand it but there is always a reason.   Hard days come and go.  What is important is how we handle those days.

Masks ( a rewrite the orginal was lost)

I would like to preface this with the fact that this is a rewrite since the original disappeared I will do my best to cover everything the original had but I might miss a thing or two.


Masks are often defined as a covering for all or part of the face, worn as a disguise, or to amuse or terrify other people. The key word there is "disguise".   However though I disagree a few do not view masks as that. Oscar Wilde is one of them.

I am not sure where Wilde was going with this, I can understand some though cause there are cases where a mask will show you how we want to be.  However they do not show who we are.  I am reminded of the movie of Mulan.  In the movie the main heroin was very torn with who she was and who her family wanted to be.  In the song "Reflection" the question is asked who is she really.

In this She knows who she is and its tearing her up to be something she is not on the outside. I can relate as I am sure many can.  We all wear masks at some point ,however, the key to breaking past those masks are eyes. 

Eyes less a person has a true poker face will betray you faster then anything. They are truly the windows to the soul. 

But why masks to begin with?  Like Mulan for a lot its a Societal thing and a Familial thing.  I believe its safe to say for many it is because of those two reasons.   Every society world wide has a "mold" they believe people should fit in.   Rather right or wrong that is how it is.  I personally love individuality. I love the fact that there is only one me.  I have referenced this before but I am going to do it again.

We as humans need to remember this quote and rather the masks we wear show something else we are still us and we will eventually have to accept that.   Granted that acceptance is hard even if we get past the society mold we still have the family mold that we are often raised to believe that we must fit in.  Family at times can be the most critical and most hurtful. Which is why many of us wear certain masks to just survive.  For me I wear one a lot during this time of year because it is easier to smile then to cry and show that I truly just do not do well during the holidays.   We all have our reasons for masks, for me the holiday happy mask is because I have spent every Christmas single since my 17th one.  In a family where the great grands are now getting married and having kids though I am happy for them It also sucks majorly, yet I don't wanna bring down the family so I will cry on the inside and wear the happy.  Though, I am sure some know.   But as I am re writing, I see things more clear.  Maybe there was a reason why the blog did not work the first time.   I see that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to cry.  It does not mean I am weak it means I am human.  I am reminded of the ending song to Mulan, though it was done specifically for the movie, there is a good bit of truth to it especially in the chorus.  The song  "True to Your Heart"  and we must be true to ourselves regardless of the mask we wear.   If we bottle to much it can and will destroy us inside and then there will be no reason for a mask it will be to late. 

 I used to end blogs with a little personal challenge for my readers as well as myself to follow. So in that tradition I am going to.   Instead of hiding all the time be true to yourself if  that means admiting you need some kinda of help do it,  find that help.  We all have our reasons for hiding things,  PTSD, fears, depression, insecurities, pain, sickness.  But we also all need someone we can go to.  Find that one person that has your back regardless and treat them like a grown jewel.  Rather it be a minister, a doctor, a therapist, a friend someone, it can even be yourself if you are a journal person, or God if you are a christian.  It does not matter who you go to just go to someone.   Also remember masks are not bad in some cases they are most definitely needed, but in other cases they are not. We all must learn when and when not to use them and just show or own beautiful faces.  It is about time that more people match their reflections, and I am including myself in that. 

Lastly to my friends who have ripped away my masks from time to time and made me face myself thank you.

Words Can Hurt

It has been nearly two years since I have blogged. When I said I'd do it again I was thinking a year tops, time sure does fly.  I also recently started "letters to myself", it was my way of personal pep talks, things that I can read later to remind myself of things that everyone needs to remind themselves of.   Which is also the reason for the following blog.

There is a saying everyone has heard... "sticks and stones can break my bones ,but words can never hurt me".   This is utter insanity.  Words can and do hurt as much as sticks and stones, in fact they hurt deeper.   The injuries from sticks and stones will heal over tine but the injuries from words can stay with people for a life time.

I never really gave this much thought till recently.  I've always tried to be a mentally and emotionally strong person. Yeah I have my triggers, fears, insecurities.. who doesn't?  But I have also learned them and in a way I've become a "mistess of masks".  The strength I've clung to for years got tested the past few months.  When I relearned the hurt of words.  I'm not going to overly spill my guts on it cause honestly there is still alot of personal healing going on.  Instead,  I think it's best to be shorter and give a few things to ponder.

1. Think about it first
I know.. 'easier said than done' is in your head.  Which is true.  But the reason for it is this... Words might come out easy but after said they might not be easily forgiven.   I remember things even from childhood said to me that hurt.   The tongue is at times our worse enemy and remember words are like toothpaste easy to get out impossible to put back.

2.  Think about how you would feel.
So many wear the "nothing affects me" mask the most.  In truth the most emotionally retrained are at times some of the most sensitive.  A person can have a nothing can hurt me or i don't care what others think mentality, but most if they stop n really evaluate it do actually care.   Which brings me to the number 2, if what you are about to say to someone would hurt you chances are it will hurt them.  And in some cases hurt them to a point of not being able to fix it.  If you value that friendship, relationship or whatever then consider the risk of what you want to say.

3.  There is no excuse for hurtful words.
So many will say "oh such n such was just upset".  Which is plausible.  However, instead of blowing up and releasing word toothpaste how bout taking a step back count to ten and breath.  Then talk it out like adults.  Especially if it's someone important to you.  

Truthfully we are all guilty of hurtful words and  chances are most have been on the receiving end to.   Some more then their fair share.   But if it is any comfort to those who have been hurt by words remember you are not alone.  And remember just as words can hurt they can heal.  

Thoughts

As I sit in my favorite Mexican restaurant, just feet away from policemen, I write this.  Glancing over I see one I've known my whole life, we are the same age. And I think how honored I am to say that. I also see the table is diverse. All sworn to protect and serve of our town regardless of color, age, sex.  I'm saying all this in light of the horrible brutality that took place in Dallas. I should also say this blog  might strike nerves. 

First ALL lives MATTER!!! It doesn't matter race, sex, age, religion.. WE ALL MATTER.  It frustrates me so wait no it infuriates me that WE as a nation can't move past our history. We should be learning from it vs living in it.. Our country is a amazing rainbow of people. Yes we have a rocky history but who doesn't? But instead of certain groups playing the poor me cards why don't we all work to fix it ?  We need to be educating all as best as possible on our history and stop enabling by stereotyping them by characteristics based on colors.  I guess it's true ignorance is bliss but good lawd , if that's the case being half Hispanic if I fit the typical "view" I'd be short, barely speaking English, doing whatever jobs I could.   LUCKILY I wasn't raised that way , and I'm lucky my friends don't treat me any different because they have been educated they know I'm not the typical stereotype they also know Hispanics are STILL Caucasion..   If we stop going "well they just that way it's bred into them cause of where they are from" this world this country would be better.  I got news for those that haven't thought about it,  you can be trash and be any color, you can be a criminal and be any color, you can be brilliant and be any color, you can protect and serve and be any color.   We need to wake up and stop infighting and realize we have bigger problems in the country, we have full nations that want to destroy us.  

Now I'm not saying everyone should be best buddies, I realize some races just don't mix well however that doesn't mean we can't be civil.  I can't speak for all religions but I can mine and I was taught God loves us all we are all his children so in theory we are all family. Why can't we act like it ??  Because we are so caught up in crying out about our history. And honesty it's not all of us as a nation it's just one portion, which is bullshit! I'm sorry to be so blunt but I don't see the Latinos, Asians, Irish, French, Indian both native and India, crying out. Most of our nation live in peace.   I'm not saying any one color is superior I can't cause let's face it I'm a walking Heinz57 bottle I for sure have Hispanic Scottish Irish and no telling what else.   But I was mixed and created for a purpose, we all were!     

So I'll close with a few thoughts.

1.  We need to learn from the past not keep living in it

2.  We need to remember ALL lives MATTER

3.  We should be pulling together as a nation not driving wedges 

4.  The Christians need to remember one of the greatest commandments.. Love thy neighbor as you would love yourself.

Those non Christian or non religious could still learn from it as well. 

 

All Things Happen For a Reason

This week as the world of my cousin and his sweet wife got rocked.. I find that I'm repeating over and over in my head "everything has a reason" "God has a purpose". It isn't that I'm questioning my faith by any means or God.  More of a trying understand why things happen. Without just calling my cousins out to much , I'll give a little background.  My cousin recently completed Navy boot camp I couldn't be more proud of him and his selfless act to serve his country. He and his wife recently moved to his first posting soon after learned they were expecting. They had been praying and trying for a while to complete their family. However, I guess God apparently some lessons to teach our whole family because complications set in. This week, 19 weeks in, I got a baby angel cousin. (Takes a moment to collect thoughts after  that last sentence)  

Again this blog isn't about them but they are what triggered it.   It's situations like this that even the strongest in their faith, whatever that faith maybe, question. We wonder why, we soul search, we cry, as pray. We ultimately do conclude that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  That there is a bigger purpose that we may or may not see.   Some start in a way to realize and see those bigger purposes.  We all handle it differently but one thing is for sure we all say why.  Rather it's the loss of a child or family member, a wreck, a bad diagnosis from a doctor or anything else that rocks us we all ask why.  It's human nature. 

The truth is in many cases we never know the answer.  As a kid I was given the "Big Book of Tell Me Why", in almost every why question a child could have was covered. As adults we don't always have the luxury of knowing why.  But we have the abilities to come up with logical conclusions.  What I do know is we are never ever given more then we can handle though many times it seems we are broken with no hope of healing.  

What I want everyone to take from this. Is better delivered by being numbered: 

1. You ARE stronger then you know 

2. Never loose your faith 

3. Everything and everyone on this earth has a purpose!!!!!! 

4. When in doubt talk it out. Rather it's with a friend, family, yourself , God , your pet, a journal .... talk .... things always look better when you let it all out. 

In closing I'd like to reference one of my favorite groups of verses from Ecclesiastes 3 : 

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~~~peace and love everyone !!!

My thoughts on confederate flag and gun control

We ALL need to get off this bs of banning the confederate flag and also off gun control ...first it's not the darn confederate flag, good Lawd people it's the REBEL FLAG.. Now try to follow me here rebel comes from rebellion , the southern states rebelled against the United States forming the Confederate states when they left the United States,  they chose to use the rebel flag ...  It's been used throughout history and not just by the confederacy.. I was a Leake academy rebel !!! We flew the flag proudly to support our team. Just saying and racism was never even thought ..  Secondly what if the south had won?? Would we be saying lets ban the union symbols ???? Valid question ?   There is so much more to worry on instead of rather it's bad or not.. And don't  get me started on constitutional rights to fly it use it or buy it.. 

Now guns.. GUNS DO NOT KILL PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE!!!  THEY EITHER ONE OF THEEE THINGS: THEY ARE SICK AND TWISTED , FIGHTING FOR OUR FREEDOM OR ITS SELF DEFENSE!!!  Ok I feel better.. My point being we were given the right in the constitution . Why? Cause we were fighting a war for our freedom , people needed to be able to fend for theirselves. How bout this vs convict the ones that use guns to feed family, defend family, and protect us .... We help the ones that are sick and learn the signs and report the signs!!! Not just sit back and watch our friends if we think they could do something horrible but get them help.  Radical concept?? Not really when you think about it going against England was radical and yet our fore farthers did, radical problems take radical solutions!!! 

Ultimately we have way larger issues then these two in our country and our world!!! How bout we fix those!!  Thanks to those that actually read my rant