Hard Days

(Originally written May 13 the date changed when I updated a picture)

We all have days that are for whatever reasons "just hard".  Yesterday was that for me. I should also say yesterday was Mother's Day.  I already knew it would be a hard day but only when it was over did I really realize just how hard.

It started out semi normal I woke up, and made my Mother her Mother's Day gift . Nearly two dozen chocolate covered strawberries two didnt even fit in the container.  

 I went to church with her, sat beside her, it actually started as a good day.  My mother and I have always had a unique bond.  She isn't my biological mother but she is still my mother and always will be.  We may fight , we may not see eye to eye but she is my mom.   I may of mentioned it somewhere but if not my parents are my adopted parents.

Anyways it started out good.
Than the slow spiral.

During the children's church all mothers were recognized.  We only had three there who were not mothers.  One a senior in high school,  one who is older and just did not for whatever reason have children, and myself.    I wasn't jealous of the other mothers, I was more envious of them.  Now that I'm in my thirties and nearing mid thirties I'm starting to feel I will never get the motherhood chance.
It was still a okay day at this point so I put on a smile and dealt with it.

Church ended I went home finished preparing the strawberries and then drove over to my parents where we proceeded to cook lunch together all three of us cooked part which is our tradition when catfish is involved.  Mom loved the strawberries and couldn't believe how good they looked.  It was still an okay day.

I went home after.  Feeling bad physically, due to women issues.  I laid down for a nap.  Four hours or so later I woke up slightly out of it thinking I had slept through the  day and then realized I hadn't.

I got up fed my kitty cat, did a few things, and then just went back to bed. After another tiny nap putting me at around 930 give or take I was back up.  The Motrin had worn off, I was in a ball hugging myself, not even hungry but knew I needed to eat, but all I wanted to do was cry.  It was then that I realized, my good day had turned to hard.   On all days for me to be reminded that I was Childless yet still "physically" should be able to have them.   As I laid there, It dawned on me I was not wanting to be a mother.  As the children's teacher at church I have church kids.  As the best friend of several parents I have many little ones to love on. What it was was a longing to have my own little one to love on, and a fear that it may never be a option for me.

For years I have wondered if maybe I was just not going to find love and get the chance, and that all hit hard.  Like a wave crashing into the shores of my mind and heart.  Which lead to the tears.  I am usually not a crier but yesterday I was.  It seemed like everything I had held back just came flowing out.

I realized I had slept most of the day because then I did not have to fight it. I did not have to wear my I am fine mask, or I am happy, or I am okay.  I was depressed and sleeping was my body's way of fighting that.   It probably was not the best method but least when I slept I did not cry.

We all have the hard days rather we admit it or not. I cant sit here and say I am okay cause I still think I will never get my chance at my own little one but I can sit here and say I will be okay. The hard times will pass and life goes on.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow when I am less hormonal non of this will seem so bad.  I am reminded of a song I loved as a child.

It sounds corny but last night I went over this song what seems like countless times though I know it was not that many.  And yes eventually I stopped feeling so bad.  I got up, I fixed myself a very late supper of fish salad, toasted bread bites, and fries.  And went to bed thinking "tomorrow is a new day".  It is tomorrow and I am better I still wanna cry but I know that is just the hormones.  I also know everything happens for a reason.  We may not understand it but there is always a reason.   Hard days come and go.  What is important is how we handle those days.