Self-view (with more possibly to come on the subject)

It has been over two years since I blogged.. I started the blog while in mobile and then moved home got sidetracked and just today as I sit at my desk in the little quiet home office of my father it randomly hit me that I used to blog and actually liked it, that and a topic has been in my head for over 24 hours that I just had to get out of it




This one is titled "self-view" for many reasons.. mainly cause a wise friend, though I didn't know it at the time nor did he..well take that back knowing him he probably did know his words would eventually sink in and hit hard, said something that hit the nail on the head so well with me that it took an outsider to bring up it. Their point with me was more or less my own personal view of myself is completely and totally whack. And they were completely and totally one hundred percent RIGHT.. however i hate admitting anyone is that right about me but they were.   I can try to blame this and that or this person or that person.. my genetics, being adopted all kinds of things but ultimately its me in my head.  After pondering this, He is absolutely right. My view of myself is whack (my term for it not his).   I know it did start with being different the only naturally tan child in my family, being picked on in school growing up, but I am the one that choose to let that define me. Which I should of never done, I have allowed that to somehow stop me from being me, from knowing my true - self and worth.  I have listened to all the expectations of others rather it be parents, teachers, friends and stopped listening to myself who I want or what I want to be.  I at one time viewed myself as a independent mind one that made my own choices no matter what the outcome but somehow somewhere I lost that.. maybe it was the pressure of being an "adult" oh to be a kid again with not a care in the world, or maybe it was happening all along and I never noticed it no telling really but its perhaps time that changed.


Truth be known my view of myself my real view of myself most don't even know and being as very few have my blog and even fewer read (I did that by design) , I am going to lay it all out on here .. I view myself as in many ways an outcast that comes from years of being that way to others .  I like many others have my insecurities mostly with mine that I am not good enough for a lot of things and in some cases people. I have never seen myself as a beautiful person on the outside.. I do however most of the time view my inner-self as pretty, this one probably comes from and I should never blame this on others but just not hearing that I am pretty (all girls and even most guys love and want and need to hear they are pretty handsome and or appealing to others) . Even one person will comment on how pretty I am or could be if id loose x amount of pounds or did such n such different.. it has always been that way.. with me thinking "good lawd I have lost 30 pounds in 3 months give me a darn break,  I am not and wont be a stick blame that one on my Spanish blood" .. I don't see myself as smart or talented either which according to my wise friend mentioned above I am, therefore on that one ill work on seeing myself that way.  I think ultimately when or rather I should say if I could start viewing myself in better light better self view and worth would happen.. Which I am going to make a effort to do. I think I would be a happier person in general. I was actually asked about that not to long ago.. something to the effect "what would make you happy again".. typical answers came out of my mouth cause honestly I couldn't answer them honestly. But I think its time I do though that person wont ever see me do it.. For me to be happy I'm going to have to be happy with myself, which wont happen over night and wont be easy for me to do but I know that its a must because when that happens then the rest to being happy in theory will fall into place.



My goal is to from now on stop giving a darn about what everyone else expects of me and wants.. and start doing what I want and expect from myself.


I'm choosing to end this with lyrics from one of my favorite musicals of all time .. OK well lets face it every musical I have ever seen on stage I have love and are favorites for many reasons unique to each musical.  So its better said I'm ending with lyrics that hit home with me on this rediscovering myself thing I'm hoping to embark on. :
"Defying Gravity"

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

Unlimited (unlimited)
My future is unlimited (unlimited)
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday I'll be...

Flying so high! (defying gravity)
Kiss me goodbye! (defying gravity)

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

I'm defying gravity!
And you won't bring me down, bring me down, bring me down!