Life of a Southern Girl with Gluten Intolerance

It was asked that I blog about my experiences with gluten intolerance.. So Jin here you go.

First gluten intolerance or celiac (depending on your diagnoses) is NOT a death sentence.  However it is a lifestyle change..  Celiac is the easiest to diagnose because it can at times be detected with blood work , intolerance which is what I have is often miss diagnosed because blood work won't show it.. This happened to me, for years it was it could be Chrones, UC, or IBD (doctors answer when they have no answer). They even took out my gallbladder saying it could be that, granted I would of had to have it out eventually I was showing no signs of pain so probably could of waited years.  I had shown symptoms of intolerance since I was a little girl I called them tummy flare ups or utohs.. My friends got used to picking up on if I was having trouble and my parents as well. In roughly 2008 a year before the gallbladder diagnoses I started self treating and had no idea by discovering what did and didn't hurt my tummy. At the time I was also in Mobikr surrounded by grilled and steamed seafood which helped tremendously.. Then back home symptoms got worse and a year n half later I met my angel doctor. She knew my symptoms on a personal level cause she had had the same and told me she had celiac.. Immediately it was lets do the scope just .. 2 months later it was no denying it she was 99.9% sure I had intolerance.. I was asked to give her two weeks and if I wasn't better she would know she was wrong and we would go to other options. 

On March 17,2014 I embarked on the two weeks.. And I became a whole new person. The cramping, bloating, rumbles, being drained, temperament, all stopped or improved.. To use my dads word I  "deflated". It was very clear that I finally found my answer. Now ,9 months later, I am still gluten free feeling better then ever my body is on a schedule now literally and no more having to be prepared for a issue.  My parents eat gluten free with me once a week, my friends scout out menus and places we can eat ( though I can still eat most places), and I've become more health conscious. 

Now here comes the "death sentence " belief, everyone thinks cause you can't have wheat or barley products you can't have bread,pasta, fried things and the like which for a southern girl or guy might as well be the the end of the world. But it's so not the case, I eat bread, pasta l, have fried food though I've gotten used to grilled. The trick is to find what you like, the rice blends of flour and noodles you can't tell the difference with (disclaimer rice flour is finer so a little goes a long way). Also especially if you have celiac remember it's in a lot: toothpastes, some bbq chips, Pringles, some corn meals so for the first month you will find you read labels a lot, google a ton, and ask many questions. To the ones with intolerance you can still cheat but you MUST learn that cheat cut off!!!  Everyone's sensitivity with intolerance is different.. For me if i cheat the ratio non gluten to gluten has to be pretty high or issues return. However once you start feeling better chances are you won't want to cheat. 

Things that are your ultimate friends when eating gluten free : 

*brands* not all but just some of my favs

   Glutano: everything they make is amazing !!! However I'm not a fan of their crakers. 

Great Value: has a great Mac n cheese 

Udies : for breads

Red Mill: flours and other baking things

Pilsbury is making gluten free now  

*eating out*

Chic fil a - grilled nuggets and fries are not exposed to flour 

Dominos 

Mellomushroom

Most Mexican places will substitute corn shells for flour if you just ask

Remember you can still eat out just watch what you eat :) and I'd avoid buffets you never know with that 

Once again it's a lifestyle chance done by people on a daily basis , it's not the end of the world. I for one can't imagine eating or living any other way it sure beats the alternative.. 

We All Sell Ourselves Short,.....finished in November

“ Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ”-  A.A. Milne

I could post just that, give it a title and be done... However I'm not known to be someone of few words. 

In my evaluation of not only myself but people in general nearly everyone sells themselves short in one way or another.. It seems to be human nature or maybe it's just the way we as humans are I today's world. However we don't always do it, humans also tend to get this "I'm invincible " mentality though more times then not that's a cover up and a screem saying "I'm really not liking my self".  We all do it.  I know I am horrible at not viewing myself to my full potential.. It gets pointed out regularly by friends and family , rather it be musically, in the business,cooking (which just a few days ago one of my college besties went I just wish I could cook like you.. It was humbling in a way and my response  I can teach you easily).  So many times it takes a verbal slap in the face to wake me up or turn that "light bulb" on .. The above quote did that when I read it and started the blog it was ment more to show in general we are all selling ourselves short now as I'm finally finishing this blog it's that but it also is a personal wake up call that just when I think I'm not smart, strong or brave I am.  That said to all my friends that actually read my blog yall are smarter, stronger, and braver then you think you are!!! Keep faith in God (or what ever higher power you believe in) that you weren't a mistake and that you were ment to do great things as long as you also have faith in yourself that you are stronger, braver, and smarter then you see yourself being .

Selfview Part tres

First to all that actually read my blog I appologize for being a month behind, in my defense July and August ususly are busy months for me with tons of family and friends having bdays.  This year was no different but the business increased with a return to the neshoba fair. I could write a whole blog on just that.. Yeah  the fair is that epic.  But this one is to touch on my ever going quest to improve myself view on myself. So here it goes.

While at the fair came to a realization as I was talking to highschool friends and my second family that somethings never change .. It's us that change... Rather it's weight, age, spouses, kids all are still changes.. What doesn't change our personalities and who we are.  Some changes we choose for ourselves some we don't but they still happen like weight gain.  I thought I had changed that I wasn't the same small town girl lol mainly cause I'm one that had moved away and come back.. As I'm walking around though in my boots covered in red neshoba county dirt dust I realize I haven't at all.. I also realized I'm proud of my small town roots.  It makes me me and that me is just who I need to be.  

That all said I'm happy with me yes and I think it's about time I was able to be, there are still a few insecurities I have.. There is nothing wrong with that everyone rather they admit it or not do.  The key is to not let them define who we are.. So this month I took a big step.. I gave myself a gym membership for my birthday, set a goal of weight loss, and doing my best to stick with it.. The reasoning behind it is simple I'm not happy that I'm 5'7" and at the weight I am, for years I fooled myself into thinkin I was so before I'm to old to fix it I'm gonna try to.  So far I haven't lost to many pounds but its only been about a week week and a half , but starting to see some change and I'm feeling better. 

Lastly in my update on self view this is more of an advice, suggestion.  Be you !! Don't let anyone change you and don't change for them.  If people don't like you for you that's their problem no one else's... However if being you means you need to change for you to be happy do it ! If you wanna loose 50 pounds to be happy with your outer appearance do it, if you wanna live out a dream or two do it, if you wanna find a spouse or significant other but yet you haven't put yourself out there to .. get off your butt and go out and find them ( you can't find them sitting at home ) .. But do all this for YOU ! Not anyone else !! Heck I know my mom would rather have a 29 year old daughter with a bf, or guy in my life then a 29 year old that's single  I told her straight up years ago I wasn't ready.   That's starting to change and my not ready is evolving to ready long as they accept me for me .. But the key there is it's changing cause I want it to not mom .. I'm finaly getting to the point I don't have to party every weekend, I know I'll always have a wild hair that was shown the week of the fair and that's ok why? Cause that's being MEEEEEE.. Giggles and though it took a long time I'm finaly ok with me (with the exception of wanting to get my late teens body back but hey who doesn't?) and that's how it should be because once I'm ok with me others will be and if not then they aren't true to them selves or to me as friends and I don't need that.  So to all my friends I'm saying this if y'all wanna improve yourselves I'm behind you 100% percent come hell or high water but with one condition ..it MUST be what y'all want.. 

Peace and Love y'all !!! 

Self view part deux

A little over a month ago I blogged on self -view.  I called my personal view of myself whack and rightly so.  Somehow over the course of time, exs, parents, and peers I managed to loose myself and all that I thought was me.  This past month I did much sole searching and thinking on this matter which at times was hard. E.E. Cummings puts it quite well by saying " To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."   

Truth is it is hard to be ourselves in today's world and we must strive to never loose ourselves, for when you do then its a true fight, just as Cummings said. 

My view of myself currently is as follows: I'm a slight nerd especially about history, Star Trek (tng and up) and at times World of Warcraft, I'm currently a culinary adventurer relearning what I knew cooking to be so that I can tolerate with in medical perimeters, I love to do random trips and must do more, I like to go places for non typical reasons like New Orleans not to party but to see the D Day exhibit, I have my insecurities I may never see myself pretty as others do but I'm learnin to accept their comments graciously thankfully, I love to cut up and loose, it took 8 years but I finaly grew up and found a red wine I like.... Most importantly I have concluded in the past month I am me flaws and all long as I'm okay in my own skin the rest will fall into place and it's time I stick to it.  It's still going to be a day to day thing but a steady on going growth but with a little personal faith in myself I can do it. 

In closing as a shout out to all that have supported my new adventure to refind ms and to the wise friends that helped trigger it another Cummings quote "We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. ”

Who would be your 24?

We all have been asked if we could talk to anyone from past who would it be..

Personally that is a hard question, mainly because there are so many greats but also friends and family I've lost to.  I saw a picture today (shown below) asking if you could sit on a bench for one hour with anyone from past or present who would it be. I got to thinking is one hour enough? Then I got to thinking who.And could I fill up a day just talkin to present and past people and have reasons to back them up.So here it goes my attempt to do just that: 

Hour One: My daddy, I'd ask him about logging and business we would discuss things that have been put off and also remember some old days. 

Hour Two: My Great Great Aunt Winnie D, I know eventually we won't have her here anymore and there is so much she has seen and done, we love to visit and never get to much. I should fix that. 

Hours Three , Four, and Five : would be spend with  cousins Jack, Joseph and Gracie, not to cut the rest of my cousins short in any way but these three have amazing minds to be a teen, pre teen and toddler.  And they should be encouraged. Jack is wise beyond his years if just given the chance, Joseph reads so much that I could spend that whole hour discussing Chronicals of Narnia or works of Verne , sweet little Gracie just amazes me daily how fast she's growing and how talented she is.

Hour Six: my biological mother, for nearly 29 years I've had so many questions that only she can answer.

**these get into past people , I didn't list my momma in the six cause I see and talk to her daily so we don't really need that hour **

Hour Seven: Gene Roddenberry and all we would discuss would be Star Trek

Hour Eight : Verne, ever since I was a small child I've loved his books and I'm curious as to how the concepts were created so far ahead of their time 

Hour Nine: Walt Disney.. 

Hour Ten: Hemmingway. His lifewas amazing, his works timeless. 

Hour Eleven : Sun Tzu .. He is the author of the art of war, not that I like war but it is a necessary evil and I'd love to compare today with his day.

Hour Twelve: DiVince, just to discus anything with him would be amazing

Hour Thirteen: Jesus, I'd ask about if he knew he would be the basis of a faith or least the continuance of it. I'd ask so much some private some not. 

Hour Fourteen: Benjamin Franklin I would love to know what it was like to be scientist, inventor, and politician. And also to be a founding father.

Hour Fifteen: General Grant

Hour Sixteen: General Lee

( both to find their take on the civil war)

Hour Seventeen: Washington

Hour Eighteen: Hitler I'm really curious as to how his mind ticked 

Hour Nineteen: Martin Luther King again to find out how mind ticked but to also see if his dream became reality 

Hour Twenty: Homer 

Hour Twenty-one: Aristotle 

Hour Tweenty-two: Shakespeare 

(The last three because they were not only writers but brilliant)

Hour Twenty-three: Muhammad to find out the real meanin of his teaching 

Hour Twenty-four : would be spent with myself to evaluate the last 23 as well as my own life. The way I see it is we must all learn from the past and in some cases the present but also from ourselves from our own mistakes and triumphs. We all can't be Homer or Einstine or anyone else listed all we can be is ourselves and be ok with that.. My challenge this week is to see who you would talk to and learn from but to also talk and learn from yourself. 

Our Future and the Tiny Hands That Hold It

It's Monday morning, and as usual the weekend was to short the naps not long enough and the work seems to of multiplied.. However, as I ponder a thing or two I find myself blogging.. 

What I chose to bring up today isn't a new concept at all in fact it's been around for generations the thing that changes is the delivery of it. My topic is who holds our future as a people.. Y'all that know me maybe thinking utoh here we go, but I promise it's not bad.  Before I go any further I probably should just say who it is that holds our future, two simple words answers that... the children.  The children of the world are and have always been the holders of the future, they are our next doctors, lawyers, teachers, entrepreneurs, the list goes on. They at times though they are so young yet are the brightest minds.  It amazes me to see my little cousin/neice in action she's 4 and is already showing so much talent and potential.  As adults we need to be tapping into this raw talent of all the children but we also need to be nurturing them to grow up and be all that they want to be.  

Even as children, they touch lives, bless hearts and can teach us so much about the world because only they see things the way they do.  To take it one step further, some of the greatest minds ever known still had a tiny but of their inner child in them: Seuss, Verne, Lewis,Einstine, Franklin, Doyle, Disney, and so many others the list could go on for ages the ones listed just happen to be  some personal favorites.  We all can think of so many more, and who knows maybe we all still have a tiny bit of the child we once were in us. If we don't maybe we need to find it, and put down all our technology to trade it in for what we used to love and read, write, explore, invent, ponder great mysteries, have a verbal conversation with someone instead of text.. Set a example for our young ones that they don't have to be glued to a phone, iPad, tablet, tv, computer to do great things. 

In closing, we may not can change our future or our world all on our own but our young ones could continue the mantel when we can't anymore, we should make a effort to work with them, teach them good morals, help them learn to dream and think for themselves not let a computer do it, and while we are at it tap our inner child to who knows we to could still do great things if we just opened our eyes again and not had technology goggles on. 

Fourth of July

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July and nearly all Americans will celebrate.. But what are we celebrating?? Being off work, a holiday to cook out and party, fireworks? The list can grow and grow. But what about the fact that this is the USA's 238th birthday, what about our troops over seas, the ones in training right now, the Godly moral values our country was founded on?? 

The Fourth of July like so many other holidays has lost its true meaning.. Yes places do the pledge, the national anthem and praise our troops but is it because it's the same pomp and circumstance that we have just always done or is it cause we truly proud of where we come from of what our four fathers did for us ALL.. Have y'all read the constitution lately (the original it's not that long ) or the bill of rights they really covered all and had the foresight to do so . Those two documents along with the Declarartion of Independence are so beautifully written they deserve to be read and understood and cherished not just by those in DC but by all. 

To give an example, the preamble of the Constitutuon : 

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domesticTranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

That sentence yes it's one full sentence is one of the most powerful statements and  yet we as a nation have lost sight of it.  

Our founding fathers probably never forsaw all this country has gone through: the Civil War, the GreatDepression, two World Wars, 911 just to name some.  But they did give us the foundation and tools to over come any adversary we just have to use it.  

Y'all are probably thinking "ok so what's the true meaning of the fourth then".. Everyone has their own meanings of it.  For me it's the birthday of our nation, it's a time to remember what our four fathers and founders did for us as a nation, it's a time to remember all our servicemen and women, it's a time to reflect on where our county stands both good and bad, and to remember that we are FREE nation FOUNDED under God being as our founders were Christian they  knew there were other religions that would come in though and have that freedom in the Bill of Rights that does not mean they ment to forget where we came from or the moral values they had just that they allowed religious freedom. We also need to remember at the time there was Protestants, Catholics and Calvinist ect most ultimately Christian just different views on the faith.. I don't think the founders saw all the others coming in. 

In closing, as y'all do what ever it is y'all plan on doing tomorrow I have a few things for y'all to consider doing : say happy 238th birthday USA, reflect on the history, remember the ones that sacrificed so that we are free today and the ones that still do sacrifice, if y'all are praying people  pray for our country and leaders,  and lastly as we adorn the flags and red white and blue do it with pride and honor because we are free and owe so much to our founders ( sidenote meanin of the colors which are given meanin not in our flag but in our seal : "The colors of the pales (the vertical stripes) are those used in the flag of the United States of America; White signifies purity and innocence, Red, hardiness & valour, and Blue, the color of the Chief (the broad band above the stripes) signifies vigilance, perseverance & justice.") 

HAPPY SAFE FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE !! 

Cooking with LeLe part 1

Several friends over the years have asked me how I make and or cook certain things.. Now that I have to eat completely Gluten free that comes up more often.. So I thought once a week to every few weeks I would share My way of making classic dishes or in some cases classic southern dishes in easy to follow non cook wording. 


FIRST DISH : Fajita Chicken Salad (a spin on traditional)
we all have gone to Mexican restaurants ordered fajitas ate 2-4 and then still found ourselves with tons of meat left.. then take it home and never quite get around to eating it.. here is a simple yummy left over solution..


In a food processor ( I have a little small one that is great for this ) put all the pieces of chicken and grind/chop till size you like.. if you prefer your chicken salad more chunky you can also take out your favorite knife and chopping board..


once the chick is finished.. put it in a bowl.


take out some of the onions and peppers put them also in the food processor or on the board and finely chop  you do not want them to be mush if you use the processor.


add that to the bowl


lastly add mayo, mustard and a tiny bit of honey (all to taste and honey mustard can be substituted for the mustard and honey) and stir up.


Serve with favorite crackers, bread or on as a sandwich


** servings depend on how much chicken you have to start with**
** serves better chilled**


This may be the fastest and easiest left over meal I have found / done next to popping what ever is left over in the micro wave

It's Amazing What Can Inspire

Today I woke up slightly sluggish..jaw or tooth or something felt like it would never stop throbbing due to my wonderful trip to the dentist yesterday.. as I was stretching and attempting to wake up I opted to check my quote of the day.. Being a phone app junky it just takes one quick click.. 

What I found (shown below) hit home. Mainly cause of this new approach I'm trying to do where I finaly become okay in my own skin.. At first it didn't make sense probably cause I was sleepy . However, then it did and just as everything has a purpose so did needing to see the quote. With this new quest which I know will take time and effort and dropping a lot of built up baggage it's nice to see quotes that inspire to do just that rather that's the intent of the author of it or not.

There is non like me, to take it one step forward there is no one just like any of us even twins have differences. People might be "cut from the same cloth" but even with that not one peice is exactly the same .. What Dr. Seuss in his wonderfully whimsy way of seeing the world was saying is just that .. No one does us better then ourselves.  It might of taken nearly 29 years and a hell of a stubborn streak but I think I'm finaly realizing that.  I'm me 100% I have my flaws, insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, regrets, hard life lessons but who doesn't ? Everyone has their share, but that's part of being human. The way I see it as long as anyone of us can face ourselves first then we can face the world. This is the part I'm learnin to work on because I sorta did it in reverse I thought facing the world ment more then facing myself not just outwardly but the inner me to , meanin if peers accepted me I'd accept me yes I know many of my friends reading this wanna slap me lnyhe back of me head for that .. The upside is now that that I've realized how flawed that theory was/is I can change the theory and work on the new concept. Which is waking up in the morning going hello self you are perfect just the way you are , be you for you and the rest will fall into place.   I think deep down everyone of us has to say those words at some point even the ones already ok in their own skin.. 

I'm gonna close simply with the quote as Dr. Seuss says it better then I ever could. 

Bucket Lists

As I did my bi monthly shot of b12 last night I started to think.. I hate doing this what if I just stopped?? Which is a silly question cause if I stopped my shots I'd stop, I would literally not function. It's in essence my life's blood, well that and a slew of other meds that I take which sucks cause an average 28 year old don't take half what I do. It also caused me to flash bsck to the summer I turned 21 knowing something just wasn't quiet right health wise but not knowing what.. After tons of blood work I became a statstic because it's rare that young adults develope pernicious anemia.. I was given this option and that option but regardless I would have to take b12 for the rest of my life.. What majorly woke me up was my dr actually said I do not even know how you are walking on your own power or how you have managed to not be in the hospital.. The answers given by both my mother and my best friend who had been with me every step of the way were almost identical.. Will power. At this point i started going wow I was borderline barely getting to really experience life .

*back from flash back * 

As I was cleanin up from the shot and all I got to thinking what if I had not had that will power all the things that I've dreamed of or wanted to do coulda never  happened granted even now some probably won't but that's because reality is we all have a few un realistic dreams .. That said our dreams our hopes our bucket lists are in away like my shots part of our life's blood ... They keep us on point on our paths marching to our little drums.  I learned a hard lesson this year when I lost my first true big brother, I have often wondered if he had a bucket list but then I laugh and go "hell naw he just did what he wanted no questions asked balls to the wall and take the aftermath later" I envy him in a way ...but then again doing what he wanted was always his number one on his list. 

8 years ago when I learned of my b12 thing I'll admit I did start thinkin of a small list some things have since been marked off.. Either from completion or from realization that that might not be the brightest idea to have on a list and I add stuff randomly . I'm to a point that id like to share some of them. (Gets out notebook that no one knows where it is but me [ ] will be used to indicate done or additionss to)

1. Live long and prosper ( I'll admit I'm a closet Trekkie but this was done before I was ) 

2. Visit Europe [ I've done twice]

3. Find my "prince" [thought I did once still looking ]

4. Learn more about where I come from [learned more recently but not a lot]

5. Overcome my huge fear of heights

6. Write a book 

7. Marry my "prince" or least always have them in my life.. In today's world marriage isn't always everything 

8. Be a mother 

9. Be in two places at once [ was on had Scotland England borders ]

10. Study many different religions [ while at south I got the chance to but want to study more]

11. Learn to play guitar [ kinda realized this might be one of those dreams that won't be]

12. Learn to drive a standard 

13. Also learn to back up a vehicle when a trailer is attached 

14. Be happy with myself [getting there]

15. Travel the world [ I have but not enough giggles] 

16. Taste the world as I travel [ same as 15]

There are more of course and a few I have skipped for personal reasons.. So far though I've done decent..  And there were some that probably woulda been on the list had I made it in highschool for example: take a cruise, spend the night under the stars, see the Statue of Liberty .. By the time I was 21 I had done those and more in retrospect I was pretty lucky growing up.

Despite the fact that some think bucket lists are crazy, I ultimately think reasonable bucket lists aren't always bad.. As stated earlier they allow us to never forget hopes and dreams.. They also give us a inner fight and desire to actually do them granted I serously don't think I'll ever over come my fear of heights but who knows I might. Humans need that desire to do the impossible to be the ones to break down barriers and walls.. My challenge to all of you and also my hope is that no one gives up ever on their own bucket lists that everyone gets a chance to complete some ammend others and add new ones.. Besides what is anyone or anything with out our ability to fight and make things happen. 

I also have a new one to add .. Never give up on myself or my dreams :) 

** Le **

 

Self-view (with more possibly to come on the subject)

It has been over two years since I blogged.. I started the blog while in mobile and then moved home got sidetracked and just today as I sit at my desk in the little quiet home office of my father it randomly hit me that I used to blog and actually liked it, that and a topic has been in my head for over 24 hours that I just had to get out of it




This one is titled "self-view" for many reasons.. mainly cause a wise friend, though I didn't know it at the time nor did he..well take that back knowing him he probably did know his words would eventually sink in and hit hard, said something that hit the nail on the head so well with me that it took an outsider to bring up it. Their point with me was more or less my own personal view of myself is completely and totally whack. And they were completely and totally one hundred percent RIGHT.. however i hate admitting anyone is that right about me but they were.   I can try to blame this and that or this person or that person.. my genetics, being adopted all kinds of things but ultimately its me in my head.  After pondering this, He is absolutely right. My view of myself is whack (my term for it not his).   I know it did start with being different the only naturally tan child in my family, being picked on in school growing up, but I am the one that choose to let that define me. Which I should of never done, I have allowed that to somehow stop me from being me, from knowing my true - self and worth.  I have listened to all the expectations of others rather it be parents, teachers, friends and stopped listening to myself who I want or what I want to be.  I at one time viewed myself as a independent mind one that made my own choices no matter what the outcome but somehow somewhere I lost that.. maybe it was the pressure of being an "adult" oh to be a kid again with not a care in the world, or maybe it was happening all along and I never noticed it no telling really but its perhaps time that changed.


Truth be known my view of myself my real view of myself most don't even know and being as very few have my blog and even fewer read (I did that by design) , I am going to lay it all out on here .. I view myself as in many ways an outcast that comes from years of being that way to others .  I like many others have my insecurities mostly with mine that I am not good enough for a lot of things and in some cases people. I have never seen myself as a beautiful person on the outside.. I do however most of the time view my inner-self as pretty, this one probably comes from and I should never blame this on others but just not hearing that I am pretty (all girls and even most guys love and want and need to hear they are pretty handsome and or appealing to others) . Even one person will comment on how pretty I am or could be if id loose x amount of pounds or did such n such different.. it has always been that way.. with me thinking "good lawd I have lost 30 pounds in 3 months give me a darn break,  I am not and wont be a stick blame that one on my Spanish blood" .. I don't see myself as smart or talented either which according to my wise friend mentioned above I am, therefore on that one ill work on seeing myself that way.  I think ultimately when or rather I should say if I could start viewing myself in better light better self view and worth would happen.. Which I am going to make a effort to do. I think I would be a happier person in general. I was actually asked about that not to long ago.. something to the effect "what would make you happy again".. typical answers came out of my mouth cause honestly I couldn't answer them honestly. But I think its time I do though that person wont ever see me do it.. For me to be happy I'm going to have to be happy with myself, which wont happen over night and wont be easy for me to do but I know that its a must because when that happens then the rest to being happy in theory will fall into place.



My goal is to from now on stop giving a darn about what everyone else expects of me and wants.. and start doing what I want and expect from myself.


I'm choosing to end this with lyrics from one of my favorite musicals of all time .. OK well lets face it every musical I have ever seen on stage I have love and are favorites for many reasons unique to each musical.  So its better said I'm ending with lyrics that hit home with me on this rediscovering myself thing I'm hoping to embark on. :
"Defying Gravity"

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

Unlimited (unlimited)
My future is unlimited (unlimited)
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday I'll be...

Flying so high! (defying gravity)
Kiss me goodbye! (defying gravity)

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

I'm defying gravity!
And you won't bring me down, bring me down, bring me down!