From Lemons to Lemonade

Originally started in October of 2019. Unsure why I never finished.

I joked last week while ranting to a friend about a rough day that I should Blog about it.  I never did but after looking back it wasn't even a rough day.  I'm going to call it a lemon day.

What is a lemon day? A day that starts sour but ultimately ends sweet.

Truthfully my whole week last week was full of lemons but it happens.  Thursday though I was about lemoned out.

I took my car into the dealership for a oil change and a over heating issue, the morning prior to taking it in wasn't ideal though.  I was told to go sit in the wait area, which I was prepared for.  

Enter the first lemon. I had every intention to just put in my earbuds and watch Netflix.

However not once but twice seeing me watching one of the salesmen comes in.  They just wouldn't leave me alone with his over personal questions. The second time he even over quizzed another lady. I'm sorry but I'm not telling a total stranger my last name, where I'm from, where I work.   Why I'm at the dealership or why I won't trade.

Anyways he did finally leave and eventually I got a car diagnoses but was also told it would be the next day.  And that they were giving me a loner.  Lemon 2 and 3. Number 2 was that they didn't have the parts.  Number 3... well the picture about sums it up.

Okay maybe that's a exaggeration but it was a small car and yes I felt folded into it.  Why they wanna take someone who drives a SUV and put them into a sportscar is beyond me.  

I hit my forehead least three times. Either getting in or out, I couldn't get my seat low enough to not bump my head on the top. And I was paranoid that I'd be plowed over. 

The next day I did get my car back and quickly realized that I had a unexpected fix to it and the first sweet thing let's call it lemonade. 

My car hadn't honked or beeped in years I just had accepted it.  But somehow that got repaired, along with everything else.

The point to all of this??

That old saying is true when life gives you lemons make lemonade.  Life is hard, it's sour, it's bitter but there is almost always a soft side, a sweet side, a savory side.  We just have to be willing to see it sometimes.  

I for one love lemonade, and lemon drops or lemon heads,  lemon and honey is one of my favorite combinations.  The sour with the sweet. It really teaches alot. 

We all can handle anything thrown at us if we believe in ourselves, and have faith. 

Hard Days

(Originally written May 13 the date changed when I updated a picture)

We all have days that are for whatever reasons "just hard".  Yesterday was that for me. I should also say yesterday was Mother's Day.  I already knew it would be a hard day but only when it was over did I really realize just how hard.

It started out semi normal I woke up, and made my Mother her Mother's Day gift . Nearly two dozen chocolate covered strawberries two didnt even fit in the container.  

 I went to church with her, sat beside her, it actually started as a good day.  My mother and I have always had a unique bond.  She isn't my biological mother but she is still my mother and always will be.  We may fight , we may not see eye to eye but she is my mom.   I may of mentioned it somewhere but if not my parents are my adopted parents.

Anyways it started out good.
Than the slow spiral.

During the children's church all mothers were recognized.  We only had three there who were not mothers.  One a senior in high school,  one who is older and just did not for whatever reason have children, and myself.    I wasn't jealous of the other mothers, I was more envious of them.  Now that I'm in my thirties and nearing mid thirties I'm starting to feel I will never get the motherhood chance.
It was still a okay day at this point so I put on a smile and dealt with it.

Church ended I went home finished preparing the strawberries and then drove over to my parents where we proceeded to cook lunch together all three of us cooked part which is our tradition when catfish is involved.  Mom loved the strawberries and couldn't believe how good they looked.  It was still an okay day.

I went home after.  Feeling bad physically, due to women issues.  I laid down for a nap.  Four hours or so later I woke up slightly out of it thinking I had slept through the  day and then realized I hadn't.

I got up fed my kitty cat, did a few things, and then just went back to bed. After another tiny nap putting me at around 930 give or take I was back up.  The Motrin had worn off, I was in a ball hugging myself, not even hungry but knew I needed to eat, but all I wanted to do was cry.  It was then that I realized, my good day had turned to hard.   On all days for me to be reminded that I was Childless yet still "physically" should be able to have them.   As I laid there, It dawned on me I was not wanting to be a mother.  As the children's teacher at church I have church kids.  As the best friend of several parents I have many little ones to love on. What it was was a longing to have my own little one to love on, and a fear that it may never be a option for me.

For years I have wondered if maybe I was just not going to find love and get the chance, and that all hit hard.  Like a wave crashing into the shores of my mind and heart.  Which lead to the tears.  I am usually not a crier but yesterday I was.  It seemed like everything I had held back just came flowing out.

I realized I had slept most of the day because then I did not have to fight it. I did not have to wear my I am fine mask, or I am happy, or I am okay.  I was depressed and sleeping was my body's way of fighting that.   It probably was not the best method but least when I slept I did not cry.

We all have the hard days rather we admit it or not. I cant sit here and say I am okay cause I still think I will never get my chance at my own little one but I can sit here and say I will be okay. The hard times will pass and life goes on.  One day at a time.  Tomorrow when I am less hormonal non of this will seem so bad.  I am reminded of a song I loved as a child.

It sounds corny but last night I went over this song what seems like countless times though I know it was not that many.  And yes eventually I stopped feeling so bad.  I got up, I fixed myself a very late supper of fish salad, toasted bread bites, and fries.  And went to bed thinking "tomorrow is a new day".  It is tomorrow and I am better I still wanna cry but I know that is just the hormones.  I also know everything happens for a reason.  We may not understand it but there is always a reason.   Hard days come and go.  What is important is how we handle those days.

Masks ( a rewrite the orginal was lost)

I would like to preface this with the fact that this is a rewrite since the original disappeared I will do my best to cover everything the original had but I might miss a thing or two.


Masks are often defined as a covering for all or part of the face, worn as a disguise, or to amuse or terrify other people. The key word there is "disguise".   However though I disagree a few do not view masks as that. Oscar Wilde is one of them.

I am not sure where Wilde was going with this, I can understand some though cause there are cases where a mask will show you how we want to be.  However they do not show who we are.  I am reminded of the movie of Mulan.  In the movie the main heroin was very torn with who she was and who her family wanted to be.  In the song "Reflection" the question is asked who is she really.

In this She knows who she is and its tearing her up to be something she is not on the outside. I can relate as I am sure many can.  We all wear masks at some point ,however, the key to breaking past those masks are eyes. 

Eyes less a person has a true poker face will betray you faster then anything. They are truly the windows to the soul. 

But why masks to begin with?  Like Mulan for a lot its a Societal thing and a Familial thing.  I believe its safe to say for many it is because of those two reasons.   Every society world wide has a "mold" they believe people should fit in.   Rather right or wrong that is how it is.  I personally love individuality. I love the fact that there is only one me.  I have referenced this before but I am going to do it again.

We as humans need to remember this quote and rather the masks we wear show something else we are still us and we will eventually have to accept that.   Granted that acceptance is hard even if we get past the society mold we still have the family mold that we are often raised to believe that we must fit in.  Family at times can be the most critical and most hurtful. Which is why many of us wear certain masks to just survive.  For me I wear one a lot during this time of year because it is easier to smile then to cry and show that I truly just do not do well during the holidays.   We all have our reasons for masks, for me the holiday happy mask is because I have spent every Christmas single since my 17th one.  In a family where the great grands are now getting married and having kids though I am happy for them It also sucks majorly, yet I don't wanna bring down the family so I will cry on the inside and wear the happy.  Though, I am sure some know.   But as I am re writing, I see things more clear.  Maybe there was a reason why the blog did not work the first time.   I see that it is okay to hurt, it is okay to cry.  It does not mean I am weak it means I am human.  I am reminded of the ending song to Mulan, though it was done specifically for the movie, there is a good bit of truth to it especially in the chorus.  The song  "True to Your Heart"  and we must be true to ourselves regardless of the mask we wear.   If we bottle to much it can and will destroy us inside and then there will be no reason for a mask it will be to late. 

 I used to end blogs with a little personal challenge for my readers as well as myself to follow. So in that tradition I am going to.   Instead of hiding all the time be true to yourself if  that means admiting you need some kinda of help do it,  find that help.  We all have our reasons for hiding things,  PTSD, fears, depression, insecurities, pain, sickness.  But we also all need someone we can go to.  Find that one person that has your back regardless and treat them like a grown jewel.  Rather it be a minister, a doctor, a therapist, a friend someone, it can even be yourself if you are a journal person, or God if you are a christian.  It does not matter who you go to just go to someone.   Also remember masks are not bad in some cases they are most definitely needed, but in other cases they are not. We all must learn when and when not to use them and just show or own beautiful faces.  It is about time that more people match their reflections, and I am including myself in that. 

Lastly to my friends who have ripped away my masks from time to time and made me face myself thank you.

Words Can Hurt

It has been nearly two years since I have blogged. When I said I'd do it again I was thinking a year tops, time sure does fly.  I also recently started "letters to myself", it was my way of personal pep talks, things that I can read later to remind myself of things that everyone needs to remind themselves of.   Which is also the reason for the following blog.

There is a saying everyone has heard... "sticks and stones can break my bones ,but words can never hurt me".   This is utter insanity.  Words can and do hurt as much as sticks and stones, in fact they hurt deeper.   The injuries from sticks and stones will heal over tine but the injuries from words can stay with people for a life time.

I never really gave this much thought till recently.  I've always tried to be a mentally and emotionally strong person. Yeah I have my triggers, fears, insecurities.. who doesn't?  But I have also learned them and in a way I've become a "mistess of masks".  The strength I've clung to for years got tested the past few months.  When I relearned the hurt of words.  I'm not going to overly spill my guts on it cause honestly there is still alot of personal healing going on.  Instead,  I think it's best to be shorter and give a few things to ponder.

1. Think about it first
I know.. 'easier said than done' is in your head.  Which is true.  But the reason for it is this... Words might come out easy but after said they might not be easily forgiven.   I remember things even from childhood said to me that hurt.   The tongue is at times our worse enemy and remember words are like toothpaste easy to get out impossible to put back.

2.  Think about how you would feel.
So many wear the "nothing affects me" mask the most.  In truth the most emotionally retrained are at times some of the most sensitive.  A person can have a nothing can hurt me or i don't care what others think mentality, but most if they stop n really evaluate it do actually care.   Which brings me to the number 2, if what you are about to say to someone would hurt you chances are it will hurt them.  And in some cases hurt them to a point of not being able to fix it.  If you value that friendship, relationship or whatever then consider the risk of what you want to say.

3.  There is no excuse for hurtful words.
So many will say "oh such n such was just upset".  Which is plausible.  However, instead of blowing up and releasing word toothpaste how bout taking a step back count to ten and breath.  Then talk it out like adults.  Especially if it's someone important to you.  

Truthfully we are all guilty of hurtful words and  chances are most have been on the receiving end to.   Some more then their fair share.   But if it is any comfort to those who have been hurt by words remember you are not alone.  And remember just as words can hurt they can heal.  

Thoughts

As I sit in my favorite Mexican restaurant, just feet away from policemen, I write this.  Glancing over I see one I've known my whole life, we are the same age. And I think how honored I am to say that. I also see the table is diverse. All sworn to protect and serve of our town regardless of color, age, sex.  I'm saying all this in light of the horrible brutality that took place in Dallas. I should also say this blog  might strike nerves. 

First ALL lives MATTER!!! It doesn't matter race, sex, age, religion.. WE ALL MATTER.  It frustrates me so wait no it infuriates me that WE as a nation can't move past our history. We should be learning from it vs living in it.. Our country is a amazing rainbow of people. Yes we have a rocky history but who doesn't? But instead of certain groups playing the poor me cards why don't we all work to fix it ?  We need to be educating all as best as possible on our history and stop enabling by stereotyping them by characteristics based on colors.  I guess it's true ignorance is bliss but good lawd , if that's the case being half Hispanic if I fit the typical "view" I'd be short, barely speaking English, doing whatever jobs I could.   LUCKILY I wasn't raised that way , and I'm lucky my friends don't treat me any different because they have been educated they know I'm not the typical stereotype they also know Hispanics are STILL Caucasion..   If we stop going "well they just that way it's bred into them cause of where they are from" this world this country would be better.  I got news for those that haven't thought about it,  you can be trash and be any color, you can be a criminal and be any color, you can be brilliant and be any color, you can protect and serve and be any color.   We need to wake up and stop infighting and realize we have bigger problems in the country, we have full nations that want to destroy us.  

Now I'm not saying everyone should be best buddies, I realize some races just don't mix well however that doesn't mean we can't be civil.  I can't speak for all religions but I can mine and I was taught God loves us all we are all his children so in theory we are all family. Why can't we act like it ??  Because we are so caught up in crying out about our history. And honesty it's not all of us as a nation it's just one portion, which is bullshit! I'm sorry to be so blunt but I don't see the Latinos, Asians, Irish, French, Indian both native and India, crying out. Most of our nation live in peace.   I'm not saying any one color is superior I can't cause let's face it I'm a walking Heinz57 bottle I for sure have Hispanic Scottish Irish and no telling what else.   But I was mixed and created for a purpose, we all were!     

So I'll close with a few thoughts.

1.  We need to learn from the past not keep living in it

2.  We need to remember ALL lives MATTER

3.  We should be pulling together as a nation not driving wedges 

4.  The Christians need to remember one of the greatest commandments.. Love thy neighbor as you would love yourself.

Those non Christian or non religious could still learn from it as well. 

 

All Things Happen For a Reason

This week as the world of my cousin and his sweet wife got rocked.. I find that I'm repeating over and over in my head "everything has a reason" "God has a purpose". It isn't that I'm questioning my faith by any means or God.  More of a trying understand why things happen. Without just calling my cousins out to much , I'll give a little background.  My cousin recently completed Navy boot camp I couldn't be more proud of him and his selfless act to serve his country. He and his wife recently moved to his first posting soon after learned they were expecting. They had been praying and trying for a while to complete their family. However, I guess God apparently some lessons to teach our whole family because complications set in. This week, 19 weeks in, I got a baby angel cousin. (Takes a moment to collect thoughts after  that last sentence)  

Again this blog isn't about them but they are what triggered it.   It's situations like this that even the strongest in their faith, whatever that faith maybe, question. We wonder why, we soul search, we cry, as pray. We ultimately do conclude that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  That there is a bigger purpose that we may or may not see.   Some start in a way to realize and see those bigger purposes.  We all handle it differently but one thing is for sure we all say why.  Rather it's the loss of a child or family member, a wreck, a bad diagnosis from a doctor or anything else that rocks us we all ask why.  It's human nature. 

The truth is in many cases we never know the answer.  As a kid I was given the "Big Book of Tell Me Why", in almost every why question a child could have was covered. As adults we don't always have the luxury of knowing why.  But we have the abilities to come up with logical conclusions.  What I do know is we are never ever given more then we can handle though many times it seems we are broken with no hope of healing.  

What I want everyone to take from this. Is better delivered by being numbered: 

1. You ARE stronger then you know 

2. Never loose your faith 

3. Everything and everyone on this earth has a purpose!!!!!! 

4. When in doubt talk it out. Rather it's with a friend, family, yourself , God , your pet, a journal .... talk .... things always look better when you let it all out. 

In closing I'd like to reference one of my favorite groups of verses from Ecclesiastes 3 : 

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~~~peace and love everyone !!!

My thoughts on confederate flag and gun control

We ALL need to get off this bs of banning the confederate flag and also off gun control ...first it's not the darn confederate flag, good Lawd people it's the REBEL FLAG.. Now try to follow me here rebel comes from rebellion , the southern states rebelled against the United States forming the Confederate states when they left the United States,  they chose to use the rebel flag ...  It's been used throughout history and not just by the confederacy.. I was a Leake academy rebel !!! We flew the flag proudly to support our team. Just saying and racism was never even thought ..  Secondly what if the south had won?? Would we be saying lets ban the union symbols ???? Valid question ?   There is so much more to worry on instead of rather it's bad or not.. And don't  get me started on constitutional rights to fly it use it or buy it.. 

Now guns.. GUNS DO NOT KILL PEOPLE!!! PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE!!!  THEY EITHER ONE OF THEEE THINGS: THEY ARE SICK AND TWISTED , FIGHTING FOR OUR FREEDOM OR ITS SELF DEFENSE!!!  Ok I feel better.. My point being we were given the right in the constitution . Why? Cause we were fighting a war for our freedom , people needed to be able to fend for theirselves. How bout this vs convict the ones that use guns to feed family, defend family, and protect us .... We help the ones that are sick and learn the signs and report the signs!!! Not just sit back and watch our friends if we think they could do something horrible but get them help.  Radical concept?? Not really when you think about it going against England was radical and yet our fore farthers did, radical problems take radical solutions!!! 

Ultimately we have way larger issues then these two in our country and our world!!! How bout we fix those!!  Thanks to those that actually read my rant 

Just a little rant.. With a few opinions... Part 1

I tend to not express political views publically or discuss current affairs anymore  but I'm changing that rule .. 

(Bloggers warning : this will probably anger a lot.. If you don't think you can handle a non sugar coated view do not I repeat DO NOT READ FURTHER!!!) 

First national things: 

Baltimore- I'm infuriated that everyone is crying "race".. Really ??  Had this happened to an Asian, Hispanic, or Caucasian person probably non of the issues woulda happened.. The Baltimore people are making it an issue, it's them dragging it out. They are the ones making their race look bad, when they faught so hard for equality. Yes it was bad a man died, but to drag it out like this. I guess we are all back in high school again?

The  Elections - I have concluded I have the best GOP team that ghe convention needs .... Yall ready? Well gonna make you wait.  (Grinning slightly evilly) ... First Hillary, really people think we need to go back to a Clinton era? It don't take rocket science or least it shouldn't to see the dodging, lies, coverups that she's doing, and to think she was originally republican.  She already had to resign secretary if state which is fourth in line of command to take over if needed .. Why put her in the top?  Now because she's the only democrat I have really looked at back to the republicans. Rubio and Cruz are young bucks, they aren't really ready to run for presidency one has to be 35, they are what early 40s? Actually I'll google that... Rubio 43 Cruz 44.. Yes political babies.. Or least that's how I see them, brilliant but they won't get the older votes.  Bush eh I like him but many of his stances I don't agree with. Those two CEOs or what ever they are are clearly smart yes.. But political unknowns what they will be able to do is bring up issues that will need to be addressed.  There are others set to announce that haven't time will tell. Then you have Carson and Huckabee .. Carson came from nothing, brilliant and knows what it feels like to be a small fish in a big world.. Huckabee has small country-ish background a good ole boy from the south, also brilliant. Both are godly. Carson know the constitution like he knows his kids names. Huckabee has the national eye.  Which brings me to who i would run.... In case Yall haven't figured it out.   Huckabee Carson..  I think combined they could bring the votes. And would make for a good team. 

Other things: 

Don't we still have a fourth atomic bomb? Who cares if it's obselete brake that baby out, evacuate the innocents and drop it. End of issues. 

It's sad when Mississippi looses an officer that happens to be black and our state not just the blank people rallies around his family when we had more issues with civil rights then Baltimore .. Perhaps for once Mississippi is setting an example. 

This nation this world needs an intervention of a godly manner, wait what am I saying ???  That's been going on just no one is listening .. What's it gonna take another flood? 

One final note this is all one persons view as I said many won't like it or agree.. And I'm sure more will come. 

Just some food for thought

(edited because I was late finishing) As the one year anniversary of the death of one of my dearest friends drew near and passed I was reminded of several sayings about death and life. I'm also reminded of the many others I've lost in the past 12 years specifically the young ones the ones with so much more to give:  Lacey ,Maxim, Lindsey, Beth, Josh and most recently Hollis.   It's said quite well in the second book of The Hunger Games Trilogy "our lives aren't always measured in numbers but by the lives we touch". The six mentioned did touch lives, especially mine in countless ways, I wish I could name all but it would take to much time.  This blog will end up being sorta short and simple but hopefully inspiring. We all have a purpose on this earth other then driving our parents bonkers. Some are meant to do marvelous things, some are meant to less grand but still great and so on, regardless it's what's decided for us at our birth by God or if you aren't Christian by what ever higher power you believe in. The key is we also have the ability to choose our paths, therefore getting to our history moment might take longer then others.  This isn't always bad not everyone can be brain surgeons, some need to be artists who for the record are STILL brilliant, some need to march to their own beats who again are some of the most brilliant people I know. Hollis was one of these brilliant people so brilliant at times that I was in awe yet he did walk to his own best and tended to choose the hard, rough paths. His ultimate journey was cut short I for a long time felt it was to soon, now a year later I believe it was to teach us. For the Leake Academy class of 2003 it brought some of us together that we hadn't spoken to in 10 years, for others perhaps it taught to maybe be a little more careful, for myself it helped me remember just how to live with your heart, as an empath (rather it's believed in or not) it showed me also just how strong friendship bonds are and remain I know my first knight is always watching over me.  

In closing, nothing is ever ever promised. Live your life to the fullest but also live it to where you can say you are proud of what you did. Many people like to say no regrets, however they secretly do regret. They may regret a choice made a decade ago but still have it.  Don't give yourself that chance, look at the possible effects of every choice/path first be wise and live life to where you don't regret. And finally , touch all the lives you can smile at people and wave (you would be surprised just how that can change a strangers day), randomly text a friend with a smile emoji, tell friends you love them (never know when you won't get to again).  

Life of a Southern Girl with Gluten Intolerance

It was asked that I blog about my experiences with gluten intolerance.. So Jin here you go.

First gluten intolerance or celiac (depending on your diagnoses) is NOT a death sentence.  However it is a lifestyle change..  Celiac is the easiest to diagnose because it can at times be detected with blood work , intolerance which is what I have is often miss diagnosed because blood work won't show it.. This happened to me, for years it was it could be Chrones, UC, or IBD (doctors answer when they have no answer). They even took out my gallbladder saying it could be that, granted I would of had to have it out eventually I was showing no signs of pain so probably could of waited years.  I had shown symptoms of intolerance since I was a little girl I called them tummy flare ups or utohs.. My friends got used to picking up on if I was having trouble and my parents as well. In roughly 2008 a year before the gallbladder diagnoses I started self treating and had no idea by discovering what did and didn't hurt my tummy. At the time I was also in Mobikr surrounded by grilled and steamed seafood which helped tremendously.. Then back home symptoms got worse and a year n half later I met my angel doctor. She knew my symptoms on a personal level cause she had had the same and told me she had celiac.. Immediately it was lets do the scope just .. 2 months later it was no denying it she was 99.9% sure I had intolerance.. I was asked to give her two weeks and if I wasn't better she would know she was wrong and we would go to other options. 

On March 17,2014 I embarked on the two weeks.. And I became a whole new person. The cramping, bloating, rumbles, being drained, temperament, all stopped or improved.. To use my dads word I  "deflated". It was very clear that I finally found my answer. Now ,9 months later, I am still gluten free feeling better then ever my body is on a schedule now literally and no more having to be prepared for a issue.  My parents eat gluten free with me once a week, my friends scout out menus and places we can eat ( though I can still eat most places), and I've become more health conscious. 

Now here comes the "death sentence " belief, everyone thinks cause you can't have wheat or barley products you can't have bread,pasta, fried things and the like which for a southern girl or guy might as well be the the end of the world. But it's so not the case, I eat bread, pasta l, have fried food though I've gotten used to grilled. The trick is to find what you like, the rice blends of flour and noodles you can't tell the difference with (disclaimer rice flour is finer so a little goes a long way). Also especially if you have celiac remember it's in a lot: toothpastes, some bbq chips, Pringles, some corn meals so for the first month you will find you read labels a lot, google a ton, and ask many questions. To the ones with intolerance you can still cheat but you MUST learn that cheat cut off!!!  Everyone's sensitivity with intolerance is different.. For me if i cheat the ratio non gluten to gluten has to be pretty high or issues return. However once you start feeling better chances are you won't want to cheat. 

Things that are your ultimate friends when eating gluten free : 

*brands* not all but just some of my favs

   Glutano: everything they make is amazing !!! However I'm not a fan of their crakers. 

Great Value: has a great Mac n cheese 

Udies : for breads

Red Mill: flours and other baking things

Pilsbury is making gluten free now  

*eating out*

Chic fil a - grilled nuggets and fries are not exposed to flour 

Dominos 

Mellomushroom

Most Mexican places will substitute corn shells for flour if you just ask

Remember you can still eat out just watch what you eat :) and I'd avoid buffets you never know with that 

Once again it's a lifestyle chance done by people on a daily basis , it's not the end of the world. I for one can't imagine eating or living any other way it sure beats the alternative.. 

We All Sell Ourselves Short,.....finished in November

“ Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ”-  A.A. Milne

I could post just that, give it a title and be done... However I'm not known to be someone of few words. 

In my evaluation of not only myself but people in general nearly everyone sells themselves short in one way or another.. It seems to be human nature or maybe it's just the way we as humans are I today's world. However we don't always do it, humans also tend to get this "I'm invincible " mentality though more times then not that's a cover up and a screem saying "I'm really not liking my self".  We all do it.  I know I am horrible at not viewing myself to my full potential.. It gets pointed out regularly by friends and family , rather it be musically, in the business,cooking (which just a few days ago one of my college besties went I just wish I could cook like you.. It was humbling in a way and my response  I can teach you easily).  So many times it takes a verbal slap in the face to wake me up or turn that "light bulb" on .. The above quote did that when I read it and started the blog it was ment more to show in general we are all selling ourselves short now as I'm finally finishing this blog it's that but it also is a personal wake up call that just when I think I'm not smart, strong or brave I am.  That said to all my friends that actually read my blog yall are smarter, stronger, and braver then you think you are!!! Keep faith in God (or what ever higher power you believe in) that you weren't a mistake and that you were ment to do great things as long as you also have faith in yourself that you are stronger, braver, and smarter then you see yourself being .

Selfview Part tres

First to all that actually read my blog I appologize for being a month behind, in my defense July and August ususly are busy months for me with tons of family and friends having bdays.  This year was no different but the business increased with a return to the neshoba fair. I could write a whole blog on just that.. Yeah  the fair is that epic.  But this one is to touch on my ever going quest to improve myself view on myself. So here it goes.

While at the fair came to a realization as I was talking to highschool friends and my second family that somethings never change .. It's us that change... Rather it's weight, age, spouses, kids all are still changes.. What doesn't change our personalities and who we are.  Some changes we choose for ourselves some we don't but they still happen like weight gain.  I thought I had changed that I wasn't the same small town girl lol mainly cause I'm one that had moved away and come back.. As I'm walking around though in my boots covered in red neshoba county dirt dust I realize I haven't at all.. I also realized I'm proud of my small town roots.  It makes me me and that me is just who I need to be.  

That all said I'm happy with me yes and I think it's about time I was able to be, there are still a few insecurities I have.. There is nothing wrong with that everyone rather they admit it or not do.  The key is to not let them define who we are.. So this month I took a big step.. I gave myself a gym membership for my birthday, set a goal of weight loss, and doing my best to stick with it.. The reasoning behind it is simple I'm not happy that I'm 5'7" and at the weight I am, for years I fooled myself into thinkin I was so before I'm to old to fix it I'm gonna try to.  So far I haven't lost to many pounds but its only been about a week week and a half , but starting to see some change and I'm feeling better. 

Lastly in my update on self view this is more of an advice, suggestion.  Be you !! Don't let anyone change you and don't change for them.  If people don't like you for you that's their problem no one else's... However if being you means you need to change for you to be happy do it ! If you wanna loose 50 pounds to be happy with your outer appearance do it, if you wanna live out a dream or two do it, if you wanna find a spouse or significant other but yet you haven't put yourself out there to .. get off your butt and go out and find them ( you can't find them sitting at home ) .. But do all this for YOU ! Not anyone else !! Heck I know my mom would rather have a 29 year old daughter with a bf, or guy in my life then a 29 year old that's single  I told her straight up years ago I wasn't ready.   That's starting to change and my not ready is evolving to ready long as they accept me for me .. But the key there is it's changing cause I want it to not mom .. I'm finaly getting to the point I don't have to party every weekend, I know I'll always have a wild hair that was shown the week of the fair and that's ok why? Cause that's being MEEEEEE.. Giggles and though it took a long time I'm finaly ok with me (with the exception of wanting to get my late teens body back but hey who doesn't?) and that's how it should be because once I'm ok with me others will be and if not then they aren't true to them selves or to me as friends and I don't need that.  So to all my friends I'm saying this if y'all wanna improve yourselves I'm behind you 100% percent come hell or high water but with one condition ..it MUST be what y'all want.. 

Peace and Love y'all !!! 

Self view part deux

A little over a month ago I blogged on self -view.  I called my personal view of myself whack and rightly so.  Somehow over the course of time, exs, parents, and peers I managed to loose myself and all that I thought was me.  This past month I did much sole searching and thinking on this matter which at times was hard. E.E. Cummings puts it quite well by saying " To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting."   

Truth is it is hard to be ourselves in today's world and we must strive to never loose ourselves, for when you do then its a true fight, just as Cummings said. 

My view of myself currently is as follows: I'm a slight nerd especially about history, Star Trek (tng and up) and at times World of Warcraft, I'm currently a culinary adventurer relearning what I knew cooking to be so that I can tolerate with in medical perimeters, I love to do random trips and must do more, I like to go places for non typical reasons like New Orleans not to party but to see the D Day exhibit, I have my insecurities I may never see myself pretty as others do but I'm learnin to accept their comments graciously thankfully, I love to cut up and loose, it took 8 years but I finaly grew up and found a red wine I like.... Most importantly I have concluded in the past month I am me flaws and all long as I'm okay in my own skin the rest will fall into place and it's time I stick to it.  It's still going to be a day to day thing but a steady on going growth but with a little personal faith in myself I can do it. 

In closing as a shout out to all that have supported my new adventure to refind ms and to the wise friends that helped trigger it another Cummings quote "We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. ”

Who would be your 24?

We all have been asked if we could talk to anyone from past who would it be..

Personally that is a hard question, mainly because there are so many greats but also friends and family I've lost to.  I saw a picture today (shown below) asking if you could sit on a bench for one hour with anyone from past or present who would it be. I got to thinking is one hour enough? Then I got to thinking who.And could I fill up a day just talkin to present and past people and have reasons to back them up.So here it goes my attempt to do just that: 

Hour One: My daddy, I'd ask him about logging and business we would discuss things that have been put off and also remember some old days. 

Hour Two: My Great Great Aunt Winnie D, I know eventually we won't have her here anymore and there is so much she has seen and done, we love to visit and never get to much. I should fix that. 

Hours Three , Four, and Five : would be spend with  cousins Jack, Joseph and Gracie, not to cut the rest of my cousins short in any way but these three have amazing minds to be a teen, pre teen and toddler.  And they should be encouraged. Jack is wise beyond his years if just given the chance, Joseph reads so much that I could spend that whole hour discussing Chronicals of Narnia or works of Verne , sweet little Gracie just amazes me daily how fast she's growing and how talented she is.

Hour Six: my biological mother, for nearly 29 years I've had so many questions that only she can answer.

**these get into past people , I didn't list my momma in the six cause I see and talk to her daily so we don't really need that hour **

Hour Seven: Gene Roddenberry and all we would discuss would be Star Trek

Hour Eight : Verne, ever since I was a small child I've loved his books and I'm curious as to how the concepts were created so far ahead of their time 

Hour Nine: Walt Disney.. 

Hour Ten: Hemmingway. His lifewas amazing, his works timeless. 

Hour Eleven : Sun Tzu .. He is the author of the art of war, not that I like war but it is a necessary evil and I'd love to compare today with his day.

Hour Twelve: DiVince, just to discus anything with him would be amazing

Hour Thirteen: Jesus, I'd ask about if he knew he would be the basis of a faith or least the continuance of it. I'd ask so much some private some not. 

Hour Fourteen: Benjamin Franklin I would love to know what it was like to be scientist, inventor, and politician. And also to be a founding father.

Hour Fifteen: General Grant

Hour Sixteen: General Lee

( both to find their take on the civil war)

Hour Seventeen: Washington

Hour Eighteen: Hitler I'm really curious as to how his mind ticked 

Hour Nineteen: Martin Luther King again to find out how mind ticked but to also see if his dream became reality 

Hour Twenty: Homer 

Hour Twenty-one: Aristotle 

Hour Tweenty-two: Shakespeare 

(The last three because they were not only writers but brilliant)

Hour Twenty-three: Muhammad to find out the real meanin of his teaching 

Hour Twenty-four : would be spent with myself to evaluate the last 23 as well as my own life. The way I see it is we must all learn from the past and in some cases the present but also from ourselves from our own mistakes and triumphs. We all can't be Homer or Einstine or anyone else listed all we can be is ourselves and be ok with that.. My challenge this week is to see who you would talk to and learn from but to also talk and learn from yourself. 

Our Future and the Tiny Hands That Hold It

It's Monday morning, and as usual the weekend was to short the naps not long enough and the work seems to of multiplied.. However, as I ponder a thing or two I find myself blogging.. 

What I chose to bring up today isn't a new concept at all in fact it's been around for generations the thing that changes is the delivery of it. My topic is who holds our future as a people.. Y'all that know me maybe thinking utoh here we go, but I promise it's not bad.  Before I go any further I probably should just say who it is that holds our future, two simple words answers that... the children.  The children of the world are and have always been the holders of the future, they are our next doctors, lawyers, teachers, entrepreneurs, the list goes on. They at times though they are so young yet are the brightest minds.  It amazes me to see my little cousin/neice in action she's 4 and is already showing so much talent and potential.  As adults we need to be tapping into this raw talent of all the children but we also need to be nurturing them to grow up and be all that they want to be.  

Even as children, they touch lives, bless hearts and can teach us so much about the world because only they see things the way they do.  To take it one step further, some of the greatest minds ever known still had a tiny but of their inner child in them: Seuss, Verne, Lewis,Einstine, Franklin, Doyle, Disney, and so many others the list could go on for ages the ones listed just happen to be  some personal favorites.  We all can think of so many more, and who knows maybe we all still have a tiny bit of the child we once were in us. If we don't maybe we need to find it, and put down all our technology to trade it in for what we used to love and read, write, explore, invent, ponder great mysteries, have a verbal conversation with someone instead of text.. Set a example for our young ones that they don't have to be glued to a phone, iPad, tablet, tv, computer to do great things. 

In closing, we may not can change our future or our world all on our own but our young ones could continue the mantel when we can't anymore, we should make a effort to work with them, teach them good morals, help them learn to dream and think for themselves not let a computer do it, and while we are at it tap our inner child to who knows we to could still do great things if we just opened our eyes again and not had technology goggles on. 

Fourth of July

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July and nearly all Americans will celebrate.. But what are we celebrating?? Being off work, a holiday to cook out and party, fireworks? The list can grow and grow. But what about the fact that this is the USA's 238th birthday, what about our troops over seas, the ones in training right now, the Godly moral values our country was founded on?? 

The Fourth of July like so many other holidays has lost its true meaning.. Yes places do the pledge, the national anthem and praise our troops but is it because it's the same pomp and circumstance that we have just always done or is it cause we truly proud of where we come from of what our four fathers did for us ALL.. Have y'all read the constitution lately (the original it's not that long ) or the bill of rights they really covered all and had the foresight to do so . Those two documents along with the Declarartion of Independence are so beautifully written they deserve to be read and understood and cherished not just by those in DC but by all. 

To give an example, the preamble of the Constitutuon : 

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domesticTranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

That sentence yes it's one full sentence is one of the most powerful statements and  yet we as a nation have lost sight of it.  

Our founding fathers probably never forsaw all this country has gone through: the Civil War, the GreatDepression, two World Wars, 911 just to name some.  But they did give us the foundation and tools to over come any adversary we just have to use it.  

Y'all are probably thinking "ok so what's the true meaning of the fourth then".. Everyone has their own meanings of it.  For me it's the birthday of our nation, it's a time to remember what our four fathers and founders did for us as a nation, it's a time to remember all our servicemen and women, it's a time to reflect on where our county stands both good and bad, and to remember that we are FREE nation FOUNDED under God being as our founders were Christian they  knew there were other religions that would come in though and have that freedom in the Bill of Rights that does not mean they ment to forget where we came from or the moral values they had just that they allowed religious freedom. We also need to remember at the time there was Protestants, Catholics and Calvinist ect most ultimately Christian just different views on the faith.. I don't think the founders saw all the others coming in. 

In closing, as y'all do what ever it is y'all plan on doing tomorrow I have a few things for y'all to consider doing : say happy 238th birthday USA, reflect on the history, remember the ones that sacrificed so that we are free today and the ones that still do sacrifice, if y'all are praying people  pray for our country and leaders,  and lastly as we adorn the flags and red white and blue do it with pride and honor because we are free and owe so much to our founders ( sidenote meanin of the colors which are given meanin not in our flag but in our seal : "The colors of the pales (the vertical stripes) are those used in the flag of the United States of America; White signifies purity and innocence, Red, hardiness & valour, and Blue, the color of the Chief (the broad band above the stripes) signifies vigilance, perseverance & justice.") 

HAPPY SAFE FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE !! 

Cooking with LeLe part 1

Several friends over the years have asked me how I make and or cook certain things.. Now that I have to eat completely Gluten free that comes up more often.. So I thought once a week to every few weeks I would share My way of making classic dishes or in some cases classic southern dishes in easy to follow non cook wording. 


FIRST DISH : Fajita Chicken Salad (a spin on traditional)
we all have gone to Mexican restaurants ordered fajitas ate 2-4 and then still found ourselves with tons of meat left.. then take it home and never quite get around to eating it.. here is a simple yummy left over solution..


In a food processor ( I have a little small one that is great for this ) put all the pieces of chicken and grind/chop till size you like.. if you prefer your chicken salad more chunky you can also take out your favorite knife and chopping board..


once the chick is finished.. put it in a bowl.


take out some of the onions and peppers put them also in the food processor or on the board and finely chop  you do not want them to be mush if you use the processor.


add that to the bowl


lastly add mayo, mustard and a tiny bit of honey (all to taste and honey mustard can be substituted for the mustard and honey) and stir up.


Serve with favorite crackers, bread or on as a sandwich


** servings depend on how much chicken you have to start with**
** serves better chilled**


This may be the fastest and easiest left over meal I have found / done next to popping what ever is left over in the micro wave

It's Amazing What Can Inspire

Today I woke up slightly sluggish..jaw or tooth or something felt like it would never stop throbbing due to my wonderful trip to the dentist yesterday.. as I was stretching and attempting to wake up I opted to check my quote of the day.. Being a phone app junky it just takes one quick click.. 

What I found (shown below) hit home. Mainly cause of this new approach I'm trying to do where I finaly become okay in my own skin.. At first it didn't make sense probably cause I was sleepy . However, then it did and just as everything has a purpose so did needing to see the quote. With this new quest which I know will take time and effort and dropping a lot of built up baggage it's nice to see quotes that inspire to do just that rather that's the intent of the author of it or not.

There is non like me, to take it one step forward there is no one just like any of us even twins have differences. People might be "cut from the same cloth" but even with that not one peice is exactly the same .. What Dr. Seuss in his wonderfully whimsy way of seeing the world was saying is just that .. No one does us better then ourselves.  It might of taken nearly 29 years and a hell of a stubborn streak but I think I'm finaly realizing that.  I'm me 100% I have my flaws, insecurities, strengths, weaknesses, regrets, hard life lessons but who doesn't ? Everyone has their share, but that's part of being human. The way I see it as long as anyone of us can face ourselves first then we can face the world. This is the part I'm learnin to work on because I sorta did it in reverse I thought facing the world ment more then facing myself not just outwardly but the inner me to , meanin if peers accepted me I'd accept me yes I know many of my friends reading this wanna slap me lnyhe back of me head for that .. The upside is now that that I've realized how flawed that theory was/is I can change the theory and work on the new concept. Which is waking up in the morning going hello self you are perfect just the way you are , be you for you and the rest will fall into place.   I think deep down everyone of us has to say those words at some point even the ones already ok in their own skin.. 

I'm gonna close simply with the quote as Dr. Seuss says it better then I ever could. 

Bucket Lists

As I did my bi monthly shot of b12 last night I started to think.. I hate doing this what if I just stopped?? Which is a silly question cause if I stopped my shots I'd stop, I would literally not function. It's in essence my life's blood, well that and a slew of other meds that I take which sucks cause an average 28 year old don't take half what I do. It also caused me to flash bsck to the summer I turned 21 knowing something just wasn't quiet right health wise but not knowing what.. After tons of blood work I became a statstic because it's rare that young adults develope pernicious anemia.. I was given this option and that option but regardless I would have to take b12 for the rest of my life.. What majorly woke me up was my dr actually said I do not even know how you are walking on your own power or how you have managed to not be in the hospital.. The answers given by both my mother and my best friend who had been with me every step of the way were almost identical.. Will power. At this point i started going wow I was borderline barely getting to really experience life .

*back from flash back * 

As I was cleanin up from the shot and all I got to thinking what if I had not had that will power all the things that I've dreamed of or wanted to do coulda never  happened granted even now some probably won't but that's because reality is we all have a few un realistic dreams .. That said our dreams our hopes our bucket lists are in away like my shots part of our life's blood ... They keep us on point on our paths marching to our little drums.  I learned a hard lesson this year when I lost my first true big brother, I have often wondered if he had a bucket list but then I laugh and go "hell naw he just did what he wanted no questions asked balls to the wall and take the aftermath later" I envy him in a way ...but then again doing what he wanted was always his number one on his list. 

8 years ago when I learned of my b12 thing I'll admit I did start thinkin of a small list some things have since been marked off.. Either from completion or from realization that that might not be the brightest idea to have on a list and I add stuff randomly . I'm to a point that id like to share some of them. (Gets out notebook that no one knows where it is but me [ ] will be used to indicate done or additionss to)

1. Live long and prosper ( I'll admit I'm a closet Trekkie but this was done before I was ) 

2. Visit Europe [ I've done twice]

3. Find my "prince" [thought I did once still looking ]

4. Learn more about where I come from [learned more recently but not a lot]

5. Overcome my huge fear of heights

6. Write a book 

7. Marry my "prince" or least always have them in my life.. In today's world marriage isn't always everything 

8. Be a mother 

9. Be in two places at once [ was on had Scotland England borders ]

10. Study many different religions [ while at south I got the chance to but want to study more]

11. Learn to play guitar [ kinda realized this might be one of those dreams that won't be]

12. Learn to drive a standard 

13. Also learn to back up a vehicle when a trailer is attached 

14. Be happy with myself [getting there]

15. Travel the world [ I have but not enough giggles] 

16. Taste the world as I travel [ same as 15]

There are more of course and a few I have skipped for personal reasons.. So far though I've done decent..  And there were some that probably woulda been on the list had I made it in highschool for example: take a cruise, spend the night under the stars, see the Statue of Liberty .. By the time I was 21 I had done those and more in retrospect I was pretty lucky growing up.

Despite the fact that some think bucket lists are crazy, I ultimately think reasonable bucket lists aren't always bad.. As stated earlier they allow us to never forget hopes and dreams.. They also give us a inner fight and desire to actually do them granted I serously don't think I'll ever over come my fear of heights but who knows I might. Humans need that desire to do the impossible to be the ones to break down barriers and walls.. My challenge to all of you and also my hope is that no one gives up ever on their own bucket lists that everyone gets a chance to complete some ammend others and add new ones.. Besides what is anyone or anything with out our ability to fight and make things happen. 

I also have a new one to add .. Never give up on myself or my dreams :) 

** Le **

 

Self-view (with more possibly to come on the subject)

It has been over two years since I blogged.. I started the blog while in mobile and then moved home got sidetracked and just today as I sit at my desk in the little quiet home office of my father it randomly hit me that I used to blog and actually liked it, that and a topic has been in my head for over 24 hours that I just had to get out of it




This one is titled "self-view" for many reasons.. mainly cause a wise friend, though I didn't know it at the time nor did he..well take that back knowing him he probably did know his words would eventually sink in and hit hard, said something that hit the nail on the head so well with me that it took an outsider to bring up it. Their point with me was more or less my own personal view of myself is completely and totally whack. And they were completely and totally one hundred percent RIGHT.. however i hate admitting anyone is that right about me but they were.   I can try to blame this and that or this person or that person.. my genetics, being adopted all kinds of things but ultimately its me in my head.  After pondering this, He is absolutely right. My view of myself is whack (my term for it not his).   I know it did start with being different the only naturally tan child in my family, being picked on in school growing up, but I am the one that choose to let that define me. Which I should of never done, I have allowed that to somehow stop me from being me, from knowing my true - self and worth.  I have listened to all the expectations of others rather it be parents, teachers, friends and stopped listening to myself who I want or what I want to be.  I at one time viewed myself as a independent mind one that made my own choices no matter what the outcome but somehow somewhere I lost that.. maybe it was the pressure of being an "adult" oh to be a kid again with not a care in the world, or maybe it was happening all along and I never noticed it no telling really but its perhaps time that changed.


Truth be known my view of myself my real view of myself most don't even know and being as very few have my blog and even fewer read (I did that by design) , I am going to lay it all out on here .. I view myself as in many ways an outcast that comes from years of being that way to others .  I like many others have my insecurities mostly with mine that I am not good enough for a lot of things and in some cases people. I have never seen myself as a beautiful person on the outside.. I do however most of the time view my inner-self as pretty, this one probably comes from and I should never blame this on others but just not hearing that I am pretty (all girls and even most guys love and want and need to hear they are pretty handsome and or appealing to others) . Even one person will comment on how pretty I am or could be if id loose x amount of pounds or did such n such different.. it has always been that way.. with me thinking "good lawd I have lost 30 pounds in 3 months give me a darn break,  I am not and wont be a stick blame that one on my Spanish blood" .. I don't see myself as smart or talented either which according to my wise friend mentioned above I am, therefore on that one ill work on seeing myself that way.  I think ultimately when or rather I should say if I could start viewing myself in better light better self view and worth would happen.. Which I am going to make a effort to do. I think I would be a happier person in general. I was actually asked about that not to long ago.. something to the effect "what would make you happy again".. typical answers came out of my mouth cause honestly I couldn't answer them honestly. But I think its time I do though that person wont ever see me do it.. For me to be happy I'm going to have to be happy with myself, which wont happen over night and wont be easy for me to do but I know that its a must because when that happens then the rest to being happy in theory will fall into place.



My goal is to from now on stop giving a darn about what everyone else expects of me and wants.. and start doing what I want and expect from myself.


I'm choosing to end this with lyrics from one of my favorite musicals of all time .. OK well lets face it every musical I have ever seen on stage I have love and are favorites for many reasons unique to each musical.  So its better said I'm ending with lyrics that hit home with me on this rediscovering myself thing I'm hoping to embark on. :
"Defying Gravity"

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'til I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down

Unlimited (unlimited)
My future is unlimited (unlimited)
And I've just had a vision
Almost like a prophecy
I know it sounds truly crazy
And true, the vision's hazy
But I swear, someday I'll be...

Flying so high! (defying gravity)
Kiss me goodbye! (defying gravity)

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately,
"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

I'm defying gravity!
And you won't bring me down, bring me down, bring me down!